Ramblings.

There are certain times in my life when I feel alienated, or isolated, even with those whom I'm close. Despite my efforts, I still don't feel like I belong most of the time. I try to participate in activities, or discussions, but I feel like I have to make the extra effort just to be heard. I sometimes feel like I can't be myself. Maybe I'm doing this to myself. Maybe, subconsciously, I isolate myself. There's a certain feeling of loneliness sometimes, and when loneliness hits, it usually overwhelms me. I don't know why I feel that way at times. Perhaps it stems from when I was younger - I had bouts of insecurity, especially about my physical appearance. I had a very low self-esteem. As I got older, I slowly learned to become more confident. But there are times when the insecure little girl comes out, especially when I'm in a large crowd. I tend to slink off into a corner and just observe people around me. I think I do better in smaller settings, I guess it forces me to connect with people.

Speaking of connection, I don't really have a core of friends that I have close connections with anymore. I had a best friend back when I was in high school, with whom I had fun with, shared profound moments with, and was able to be crazy with. We still keep in touch, but we live in 2 different parts of the world now, so the closeness isn't what it used to be anymore. I still consider her to be my best friend to this day, even though we don't keep in touch with each other as much as we used to. I also had a group of friends in college, they were the ones who kept me accountable, lifted me up in prayer, and encouraged me. They cried with me when I was hurting, they laughed with me when something amazing happened in my life, and they would rebuke me in love when I messed up. I miss having that kind of connection, especially with women. There was no sense of competition whatsoever, which is what human nature normally dictates. Sadly, all of "my girls" have moved back to their own hometowns since graduating from college, so it's hard for us to get together as much as we would like. With them, there were no feelings of alienation or isolation. I was able to be myself with them.

I suppose I could try a bit more. I suppose I should assert myself more than I do. I suppose I shouldn't worry about it as much, because I do feel blessed to have the friends that I have now, and to even have friends at all. And these people love me, care for me, pray for me, and encourage me in their own ways. And of course, I know that I have one friend with whom I don't have to be insecure, and will accept and love me for who I am. I don't have to try so hard with Him, or impress Him. He'll be my friend no matter what I do or say. He's the ultimate friend - He laid down His life for me (and everyone for that matter!). He is my best friend. I just need to really claim that. I tend to forget sometimes. Thank you Lord Jesus.

Before I completely forget, I want to greet my cousin, April (a.k.a. "Prel", "Ning-ning", "Double-ning", "Ningx2") a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Love yah.

Today also marks the 5th year anniversary of my dad's "homecoming". He went home to be with the Lord on April 13, 2001. I'll always miss you, Dad.